


tEaM ZeRo

by cvtastr0phic



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Almond - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Gen, Lila has no idea what the fuck is going on, M/M, She Deserved Better, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better, but she’s going along with it, raymond also has no idea, sissy has no idea how to use a phone but it’s chill, that ending tho, vanya is done™️, we also stan, we don’t ship incest in this house, we stan vissy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25767619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cvtastr0phic/pseuds/cvtastr0phic
Summary: [so this is an AU where they actually get a happy ending and sissy, Harlan and Raymond go with them to the future and start a group chat like ew sparrow academy what did you do with my happy ending ok bye]the happy ending we deserve plus a crack-filled groupchat, what more could you ask for hahahshshdhe
Relationships: Dave/Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Lila Pitts, Raymond Chestnut/Allison Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves/Sissy
Comments: 21
Kudos: 263





	1. Team Zero is Created

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should be working on other works but this was too good an opportunity to miss lmao

g r o u p c h a t 

[so this is an AU where they actually get a happy ending and sissy, Harlan and Raymond go with them to the future and start a group chat like ew sparrow academy what did you do with my happy ending ok thanks]

the umbrella academy starring the family groupchat 

the happy ending we deserve plus a crack-filled groupchat, what more could you ask for hahahshshdhe

Diego Hargreeves has created “Team Zero”

Diego Hargreeves has added Luther Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves, Five Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves and Lila Pitts

Diego Hargreeves: When i said we’re a team, we’re a team. So I made this to keep in touch. Don’t misuse it, okay?

Klaus Hargreeves: Bold of you to think I won’t

Five Hargreeves: I can see the oncoming storm 

Five Hargreeves: Diego.

Diego Hargreeves: oh

Klaus Hargreeves: BOLD OF YOU TO THINK I WONT DIEGO

Diego Hargreeves: what have I actually created

Lila Pitts: no ❤️

Vanya Hargreeves: I’m gonna destroy this chat from the inside 

Luther Hargreeves: o h g o d 

Allison Hargreeves: If text rumors were a thing istg-

Klaus Hargreeves: y e s v a n y a 

Vanya Hargreeves: starting with

Vanya Hargreeves has added Sissy Cooper

Diego Hargreeves: uh?

Allison Hargreeves: Hello?

Sissy Cooper: Hey Vanya’s family!

Sissy Cooper: I apologise, I’m still gettin used to all this technological whizz kaboom

Vanya Hargreeves: technological whizz kaboom

Luther Hargreeves: oh!

Luther Hargreeves: shotgun lady!

Klaus Hargreeves: shotgun lady

Allison Hargreeves: akdjejfhwksje luther

Sissy Cooper: ?????

Vanya Hargreeves: shotgun lady

Luther Hargreeves: What? She is, right?

Diego Hargreeves: shotgun lady 

Five Hargreeves: shut the fuck up

Sissy Cooper: who is shotgun lady?

Vanya Hargreeves: uhh

Luther Hargreeves: Your the lady who pointed a shotgun at us at the barn!

Diego Hargreeves: lutHER-

Allison Hargreeves: shhhhh

Sissy Cooper: Oh, of course! 

Vanya Hargreeves changed Sissy Cooper’s name to shotgun lady

Lila Pitts: what the fuck is going on

Diego Hargreeves: yes

Klaus Hargreeves: the foundations of this conversation are crumbling as we speak, I can see it in Luther’s eyes

Luther Hargreeves: Are you?!!!

Klaus Hargreeves: I was watching you sweat over the group chat for five minutes

Vanya Hargreeves: Klaus I’m scared your gonna suddenly appear in my fridge one day and say you’ve been watching me contemplate my life choices

Allison: vANYA sijdjrjdsjjdnd

shotgun lady: He better not appear in my fridge, I just restocked 

Klaus Hargreeves: I’m always watching over you all, like a guardian angel! 😇 

Five Hargreeves: *guardian idiot

Vanya Hargreeves: skdjejejwksjeen

Five Hargreeves has changed Klaus Hargreeves’ name to guardian idiot

Allison Hargreeves: can we all get snazzy™️ names tho fr

guardian idiot: who will decide this momentous decision?! :00

Diego Hargreeves has changed Luther Hargreeves’ name to gangster monke 

gangster monke: Ah. Ok.

Vanya Hargreeves: lmao

guardian idiot has changed Allison Hargreeves’ name to fringe

fringe: excuse mE

guardian idiot: I’ve never seen you??? With a fringe??? Before??

fringe: god klaus be eXpEriMeNtAl

Vanya Hargreeves: yeah klaus add some more salt

resident idiot changed Vanya Hargreeves name to glowstick

glowstick: I-

resident idiot: it’s accurate AND salty! 

glowstick: a c c u r a t e

Five Hargreeves: lol

glowstick: five i’m changing your name to gremlin

Five Hargreeves: wait NO

glowstick has changed Five Hargreeves’ name to gremlin

gremlin: everything nice I’ve ever said towards you I take back 

glowstick: love you too bro 👉🏻🥺👈🏻

gangster monke: Hey guys! I have some important information to share with you all!

fringe: luther.

fringe: whenever you text like that I can physically hear the irritation in your voice

guardian idiot: he’s eating fruit loops

gangster monke: KLAUS

guardian idiot: I’m sat like 10 feet away from you dear brother 

glowstick: does luther eating fruit loops mean something spiritually

Diego Hargreeves: probably 

Lila Pitts: 😳

guardian idiot: I can FEEL it

fringe: guys what the hell are you doing

glowstick: the big mood energy from luther eating fruit loops is causing disturbances in the soundwaves 

gremlin: 👉🏻😳👈🏻

shotgun lady: I did feel a little rattle in the house-

glowstick: LMAO

gangster monke: ......

gangster monke: I HAVEN’T HAD BREAKFAST YET GUYS SERIOUSLY YOU ALL HAD TO GANG UP ON ME

glowstick has changed gangster monke’s name to fruit loops

glowstick: yes

glowstick: but spill the tea bro

fruit loops: I’m trying to get a job, a real one!

gremlin: I already have the full time job of being the family braincell though

fringe: so like I take offence at that-

glowstick: my job is to fly so my opinion is higher than yours

shotgun lady: Haha good one!

resident idiot: vanya ajdjsbsbwkdjdns

fringe: I can speak a bunch of languages

glowstick: chertovski suka

gremlin: lAngUagE vAnyA

Diego Hargreeves: Is she speaking Russian?

glowstick: yes 

fringe: when did she learn ruSSIAN

glowstick: graCE

guardian idiot: I learnt some languages

Diego Hargreeves: you didn’t learn shit-

guardian idiot: I LEARNT GERMAN DANKE-

guardian idiot: wait vanya how do you know curse words in russian

glowstick: so the russian dictionary was a great learning device-

guardian idiot: when it got announced we’d be learning different languages I just went and learned all the rude words in german

glowstick: I actually got mistaken for a communist back in dallas y’know

guardian idiot: COMMUNIST VANYA COMMUNIST VANYA COMMUNIST VANYA

gremlin: wait what?

guardian idiot has changed glowstick’s name to communist 

communist: well I got interrogated by the fbi and they said something in russian and I replied back in russian and they uh

fringe: what?

communist: i ate a brain,, although I think that was part of the trip 

Lila Pitts: what the fuck

guardian idiot: you ate A BRAIN? WHAT DOES IT TASTE LIKe

fruit loops: Did you just say trip?

communist: i was on lsd lutHer

fringe: LSD?!!!

gremlin: do none of you realise that that was a torture method back then or what

communist: I found out electro therapy doesn’t go well with my powers

fringe: oh god are you okay? I’m sorry we didn’t come earlier

communist: at least I got high for the first time in my life haha susjsjsbdhsi

Diego Hargreeves: well back to the point , my job is to keep us all a team and make sure we don’t fall apart

shotgun lady: I fall apart every time those buy an sell people come knockin on my door, they’ve already been thrice this week! 

vanquish them

resident idiot: FINISH THEM

fruit loops: I’m offended no one said anything about me getting a job

glowstick: I’m proud of you luther

resident idiot: goOd jOb

fringe: sksuhwgswh

Lila Pitts has changed Diego Hargreeves’ name to batman doesn’t kill

Lila Pitts: I gave you a snazzy™️ name

fringe: can we be serious

communist: of course Allison, I’m obviously the most serious-

resident idiot: was there an actual reason this chat was made other than to make fun of Luther’s classy breakfast choices?

batman doesn’t kill: oh

batman doesn’t kill: actually-

communist: you forgot 

batman doesn’t kill: yeah

communist: oop-

fruit loops: What is it, Diego?

fringe: stop speaking in caps luther, your disturbing my vibes

shotgun lady: the autocorrect has betrayed me it corrects the beginning of every sentence to caps-

communist: aidhejsuhdejdj sissy 

communist: luther disturbs my entire aesthetic 

batman doesn’t kill: YOU GUYS AFJHGKHDVJ

resident idiot: convert to lowercase before I confiscate your phone luther

fruit loops: ok!!11!!1!1

resident idiot: I-

fringe: DIEGO JUST SPILL THE TEA

batman doesn’t kill: its cold tea tho

communist: what-

batman doesn’t kill: well uh-


	2. You guys are getting sleep?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Diego sets fire to the kitchen, The Hargreeves contemplate sleep, and the family find out the meanings for their names

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The current usernames:  
> Luther: fruit loops  
> Diego: batman doesn’t kill  
> Allison: fringe  
> Klaus: guardian idiot  
> Five: gremlin  
> Vanya: communist  
> Sissy: shotgun lady  
> Lila: Lila Pitts
> 
> Follow me on Instagram or something:  
> @apocalyptictelekinetic

communist: wait what ew

batman doesn’t kill: its actually coffee tbh

fringe: what did you do

batman doesn’t kill: I need your help because I spilt it everywhere and the last time I cleaned a mess up was like when I was a kid and I just need your help

fruit loops: no

communist: ,,,,

fringe: just clean it up diegO

batman doesn’t kill: vanya

communist: what’s up comrade

batman doesn’t kill: you must know how to clean stuff up, you lived on a farm for like a year

communist: i was mainly looking after harlan tbh

batman doesn’t kill: c’mon sis teach me

shotgun lady: wait so your meaning to tell me, that you’ve never messed up anything  
in your life?

batman doesn’t kill: Grace did it for me

shotgun lady: I- 

communist: @-@

shotgun lady: I want a robot cleaner 

fringe: do you still own a farm sissy

shotgun lady: I bought it back, turns out no one owned it after 1963

batman doesn’t kill: guys the kitchens on fire

communist: ok

gremlin: how many tiMes diego don’t put the clOths on the gRill

communist: this’ll be the second time the entire house got destroyed ffs

fruit loops: I’m out shoPping you losers

fringe: luther stop trying to be funny

batman doesn’t kill: THANKS FOR THE HELP VaNYa

communist: welcome bro

gremlin: all of you are idiots. minus vanya

communist: ^^^

fringe: hEy

fruit loops: don’t insult us!

gremlin: I’m not insulting you shitbirds I’m describing you

communist: oaidehudjedjeuhde

guardian idiot: I don’t wanna hear that vUlgar language again yOung bOy

batman doesn’t kill: yOung bOy

communist has changed gremlin’s name to yOung bOy

yOung bOy: you are the reason the middle finger was invented

guardian idiot: #offended

2:35AM

communist: is it just me or does anyone in this family actually get sleep-

guardian idiot: hi vanya 

communist: hi klaus

fruit loops: guys shhhhh!

guardian idiot: I don’t know what that word means

batman doesn’t kill: why are you all up

guardian idiot: van van couldn’t sleep

fringe: tell her to not drink like 10 coffees a day then

communist: that’s how I survive through a day 

batman doesn’t kill: your body, is a TEmPLE-

fruit loops: guys it’s half past two

shotgun lady: oh hello

communist: why was everyone awake

shotgun lady: repairing the walls in the barn because a lot got destroyed 

communist: at almost 3AM

shotgun lady: yes

communist: well

shotgun lady: I can use my new lanterns that way

batman doesn’t kill: who the fuck repairs a barn at 3AM

shotgun lady: because I have to look after harlan in the day

batman doesn’t kill: I need sleep

communist: I’m having a caffeine crash again

yOung bOy: I haven’t slept in 3 days give me a bREAK

Lila Pitts: I once didn’t sleep for an entire week 

batman doesn’t kill: oh god 

communist: you guys are getting sleep?

yOung bOy: sing them a fucking lullaby and go to sleep

9:35AM

yOung bOy: who the fuck was singing take me home country roads at like 4AM

batman doesn’t kill: it was karaoke night

guardian idiot: I organised it spontaneously!

communist: we might need some more coffee, and this time in shots. Like actual shot glasses I’m not kidding-

yOung bOy: @communist please get the good kind

communist: I can’t move I’m too tired

batman doesn’t kill: same though

guardian idiot: can we do monopoly next time

batman doesn’t kill: nO last time luther threw the entire board, full of pieces, out of the window and it hit someone do you remember

fringe: and Vanya would win anyway

fringe: or five

fruit loops: wait that was DIEGO singing last night-

communist: I almost suffocated myself with a pillow last night due to y’all singing

batman doesn’t kill: r00d

guardian idiot: vanyA I thought you were supposed to be the sMaRt one

communist: no I’m the communist one privetstvuyu stalina or whatever

yOung bOy: vanya stop it I’m laughing and that never happens

guardian idiot: mom get the camera

fringe: I don’t understand Vanya and it scares me

communist: y’know I found out an interesting fact

yOung bOy: shoot

communist: my name is ivan 

guardian idiot: BWAHAHAHAHHAGSAJHDSH

communist: vanya actually means ivan though lol 

fringe: ivan 

batman doesn’t kill: ivan

shotgun lady: ivan

communist: sissy you seriously came back just to make fun of my name

shotgun lady: yes

guardian idiot has changed communist’s name to Ivan

Ivan: klaus of all people you can’t speak

Ivan: your name literally means tHE PeoPLES VICTORY I’m wheezing

fruit loops: more like the people’s loss amirite

fringe: no luther you are not rite

fruit loops: I

guardian idiot: SEE? IM THE PEOPLES VICTORY BITCHES

Ivan: luther your name means fucking lute player in wheezing 

guardian idiot: BWHAHSHAHAHAHDKSK

guardian idiot has changed fruit loops’ name to lute player

yOung bOy: jokes on you I don’t have a name

guardian idiot: “the meaning of number five is sometimes related to the weakness and impotence of a human”

yOung bOy: luther wheres my gun

lute player: why does my name have the most pathetic meaning ever

Ivan: bro don’t diss the lute that’s coming from the musical expert of the family

lute player: musical expert

batman doesn’t kill: honey you destroyed the the moon with that stravinsky 

Ivan: guess you could say it blew up~

guardian idiot: brUH

shotgun lady: what

Ivan: it blew up poof

lute player: vanya 

Ivan: yes lute player 

lute player: are you drunk

Ivan: drunk

guardian idiot: drUnk?

fringe: oH??

lute player: you never say “poof” when your sober

batman doesn’t kill: they’re drunk

Ivan: no I’m IVAN

fringe: we’ve been here for hours

guardian idiot: I’ve had time to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes plus down 4 bottles of bourbon

shotgun lady: hon are you ok?

Ivan: I can’t walk

fringe: I’m on the floor henlp 

batman doesn’t kill: henlp

lute player: henlp

yOung bOy: henlp

Lila Pitts: henlp

batman doesn’t kill changed fringes’s name to henlp

henlp: no help me 

Ivan: this is my fault I blew up the alchohol  
case for ally and klaus and I sorta got drunk, I can’t spell acholhol don’t shout 

shotgun lady: I’m coming to pick you up

henlp: henlp

guardian idiot: I sleep

Lila Pitts: *sigh*


End file.
